Permission To Die

This is a bittersweet post about losing my very good friend, Mona. I was not expecting to lose her so soon.  I thought we will have more time to enjoy our lives together.  She and I planned on growing old together. We would live right next to each other.  I was imagining that when we get older, Mona would take care of me but God had other plans.

In all the years that I have been blogging, I never wrote a post in honor of her.  I do not even remember when we started to become friends, maybe in the early 2000s? I really cannot recall anymore. It is not the number of years that matter but the quality of friendship that we had.

We were totally opposites.  Mona’s language of love was service while mine is food. I already told everybody that the only way I show love is through food.  If I cook your favourite food, it means I love you. I have never been vocal about love nor demonstrative.  I’m not the touchy feely kind of person.

Unlike Mona, she showed you and told you that she loved you.  When friends came over to my house and I was still sleeping, Mona would ask them if they wanted coffee or if they wanted to eat something.   

When her nieces came to her house, she made sure that there was hot food, preferably their favourite!  It did not stop at cooking the food.  She would even prepare coloring books, card or board games.  Still, it did not stop there.  She would play with them and keep them entertained.

She would always offer assistance to our senior friends.  When we have a community activity, she would get food for the seniors and ask them if they needed anything else.

When she passed on, everybody only had kind words to say. “Mona was really so nice!” She was a friendly person, she would greet friends and acquaintances with a huge smile. Even people she just met once, she would greet them as though they have known each other for a long time.

Selfless... Even if she wanted something for herself, then she finds out that you like it, she would give it to you.

I guess that was why we complemented each other. But I have never abused the friendship that we had.  I knew my limits and told her that if I ever do or say something that she did not like, I told her to tell me.  She did not have to be afraid of calling me out.  Of course, the naughty things I did to her were not counted.  I loved the fact that she indulged my craziness.

She was a part of several group of friends, the Batgirls, Baliws and Junkies!

When Mona got sick, we all rallied behind her.  We would take turns visiting her then eventually, we would take turns taking care of her. I felt so giddy and excited that I was the one serving Mona for a change! I even told Cat that I was so happy after she and I came from the pantry to heat Mona’s food. For the first time in my life, Mona and I were speaking the same language of love which was service!

In the first few weeks of Mona’s confinement, it was like a “picnic” all the time.  We would bring food and eat in her room.  It made her really happy to see us eating and having a great time.  She would also eat but then I realized later on that it was just a piece or two of potato chips. She really was not eating that much anymore.

Then, as the days gone by, we started to notice the decline.  We even wondered why is it that every time we go to the hospital, instead of getting better, her condition was deteriorating.  We did not know why. My friends started praying for her.  We asked our friends to pray for Mona.  I even prayed when I did not believe in praying for the sick.  I know that even if you pray day and night, even if you pray while walking on your knees in Baclaran Church and even if you bargain with God, if His will is done then there is nothing you can do.

This past week was an emotional rollercoaster for me and for my friends.  The Sunday before she passed on, the Baliws, Batgirls and Junkies were in the hospital to give our full support and love to Mona.  It was a crying fest.  I was the crying police.  I would pull out anybody from the room who was about to cry. I did not want Mona to see us in tears.  I know her well, if she sees us breaking down in front of her, then she will start to despair, weaken and give up.  I did not want her to lose hope.  I did not want to lose hope. I still wanted her to fight the battle against cancer.

Mona asked me once a long time ago if she dies, would I cry for her? “Of course, not!” I replied, “I only cry for dogs!”

In her last remaining days, she would hold our hands.  Whoever was with her in the room (as long as she liked the person), she would hold the hand on her left and on her right.  She felt comforted by it. 

Remember, I’m not the touchy feely person.  I do not like holding hands.  Everybody knows that, I even told the nurse that I do not do “holding hands” but when the nurse entered the room again, she said, I thought you don’t do holding hands???  What can I do??? Mona needed to hold my hand. And I needed that connection, as well.

Remember, I said I only cry for dogs and that I did not want to cry in front of Mona? While we were holding hands, she had tears in her eyes while looking at me.  Even the strongest person would break down.  While still holding her hand, I laid my head on the bed and cried my heart out. Then I knew at that point that I was going to lose my friend and she knew that her time was almost up.  She asked for a pen and a piece of paper.  She wrote down that she was tired already .  Died.  She wrote it down and I asked, Who died??? She wrote it again, Died. Mayette told her that it was not her decision to make but God’s.

Remember, I said I was not very vocal about love? On that same night, as I was about to leave the room, I said to her, “ I love you Mona!” (in my usual cheerful singsong voice).  I was so surprised when she replied, “I love you Madam!” She said it so clearly! She could barely talk and breathe but it was crystal clear.  That night, I was so happy!!! I did not cry at all when I went to bed.

The last time I saw her was Tuesday.  I thought she was a bit better. She was able to talk in short burst. Jing said for me to eat first while she was holding Mona’s hands.  I was just in the corner eating siopao, I had to eat because if not, my sugar will drop and I will get dizzy. I only had 3 bites. I could not eat.  Mona said, “Pag Ok na si Madam...” I told her I did not leave, that I was just eating in the corner of the room, away from her.

A doctor entered the room and asked her if she was in pain.  She said, yes. 1 out of 10 was the question of the doctor, she answered 9. I just realized she was on Morphine drip and yet the pain level was 9!  When I got home until I went to sleep, I could not stop crying.  The moment I woke up the next day, I started crying again . I figured, I have to cry it all out because it was KST day.  Someone might ask me how Mona was doing and I was sure I was going to break down.

I started messaging my friends that I suddenly do not know how to pray anymore.  “How do I pray?” “What should I ask for?” I know what I wanted to pray for but I dare not ask God what I really wanted.  My friend was in pain, there was no more hope.  I really wanted God to take my friend already but instead, my friends said to pray for God’s mercy, to relieve her of all the pain and to give strength to her family and friends to let her go.

Then, a little past midnight, the Lord has heard our prayers. My friends and I rushed to Makati Med.  When we got there, Mona’s body was still in the room.  I went to her and spoke softly near her ear, “Mona, you will always be with us. You will never be left behind.”

And from that moment on, it was as though, all the pain and sadness were lifted from my heart.

Almost everybody in the wake asked how I was holding up. I told them I feel so light hearted and happy. Some said, I was in denial but that is not true.

We fought a hard battle behind Mona. She was in the forefront.  Her passing was not a loss but a victory. 

She is now in Our Father’s mansion without pain and suffering.  In the end, she got what she wanted.

John 14: 2

“My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”